Nerd Factor: Santa’s Resume

Dr. Mike Robinson, LC Communication Studies Professor~

Way back in Sensational She-Hulk #8, writer/artist John Byrne introduced Nick St. Christopher to the Marvel Universe.  Nick was an interesting fellow, because he could tell who was naughty or nice.  He could enter any residence with a chimney, and he could travel anywhere in the world almost instantly.  As such, his powers were uniquely suited to private detective work, but mostly during the summer months when he was not doing his main job.  

Ever since I first read that clever spin on Santa Claus, I’ve wondered what else the Jolly Old Elf could do.  After all, his busy season will end soon enough.  What other jobs could he take to keep himself entertained during the off-season or to perhaps scrounge up enough cash to move his operation before climate change permanently melts the North Pole?  Well, Santa could be a —

Sleep Disorder Specialist:  According to the American Sleep Association, 50-70 million Americans suffer from some type of sleep disorder.  This can be relatively simple conditions like snoring to more dangerous disorders like sleep apnea. Who better to assist people with these problems than the one man guaranteed to see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re awake?  

Translator: Since Santa receives letters from children all over the planet, he must be fluent in countless languages.  It is unclear whether this linguistic savvy is the result of magic or accumulated experiences over his lengthy existence.  Whatever the cause, Santa is the ultimate polyglot.

Courier: When your package absolutely, positively has to be there overnight, then Santa is your man.  

Talk Show Host: People like to talk to Santa.  The long lines to see him in the mall are proof of that.  And Santa is quite skilled at finding out what people want or need.  So why not make good use of those interviewing talents by hosting a late night talk show?  I can just hear the open:  “It’s the Santa Claus Show!  Hi, I’m Frosty the Snowman inviting you to join Elsa and Anna from Frozen, animal expert Jim Fowler, and Santa’s special guest, Krampus!  And now, here’s Santa!”

Amusement Park Ride Inspector: Santa is not afraid of heights and he is detail-oriented.  

Air Traffic Controller:  In one twenty-four hour period, Santa’s sleigh travels across the entire globe delivering gifts to good boys and girls.  While a large degree of magic makes such journeys possible and the flying reindeer are obviously doing all the work, Santa is the pilot.  Spotting and avoiding all the planes in the sky while moving at the incredible velocities needed for his visit to occur suggests that Santa has a previously undocumented ability to sense all flight patterns.

Gossip Reporter:  We tend to think of Santa as a force for good.  However, we must remember that there has always been a moralistic element in Mr. Claus’ personality.  Since he knows who is naughty or nice, Santa has the drop on any other gossip reporter in the country because he immediately knows what celebrity is mixed up in scandal.  This becomes even more effective when combined with Santa’s other well-known trait.  Remember, if Santa can see us when we’re sleeping, then by definition he knows who we are sleeping with.  All the secrets of the rich and powerful are essentially Santa’s to reveal at his whim.